For those of you who have children of adult or near adult age, as you watch them go through stages, what's the most important thing you can do to help? 

I have three adult children and I've never quite settled that in my mind. Financially, they've been on their own for all practical purposes, as soon as they moved out. Emotionally of course, I'm still Mom, but each one is in a different stage of life right now. The oldest just had her oldest daughter marry, the youngest is looking to be totally on her own when her roommate moves out in a few days. The middle one is in a "dink" (dual income, no kids) stage.

Pointing them to faith in God is number one at all times, but what else can we do to help them weather life's storms without really interfering in their lives? 

 Pat, it is so hard. The two oldest are married with kids, good jobs, not always enough money. Both families serving G'd. The middle DS married with a baby on the way. Both work, good jobs. never enough money. Spend it on eating out, movies, dumb stuff. They have one CC and hopefully are using it unwisely. Really dont know. End up helping them a lot with finances. Let them do the laundry here, loan them a small amount, bought their wood the last two years. Wish that they would really grow up. Hoping the baby will help. Good kids serving the L'rd but could use some maturity. Next DS works hard, starting a new job on Mon. Has a girlfriend that we dont feel good about. Hard to discuss it with him. Hoping that he will listen to G'd about her. She has gone away to college and that was a relief for now. DD, just graduated, is a joy. She is only 17 so not quite an adult.  I always think of the thing that I wish they had been taught, or if we could ahve done a better job. Lots of prayer and faith . More as they get older. Seems like it is easier when they are young. Babs

Pat:

For those of you who have children of adult or near adult age, as you watch them go through stages, what's the most important thing you can do to help? 

 Pointing them to faith in God is number one at all times, but what else can we do to help them weather life's storms without really interfering in their lives? 

When they were babes in arms, prayer covered them. As they understood, prayer continued with instruction. Knowing that God answers prayer, I leave it to Him; however, there are absolutely no strings attached to giving and they are never reminded what was done for them. Prayer, trusting God to fulfill HIs promises, gives hope when all hope could be gone.

-thyme2save

It's tough not crossing over that line to interference or meddling. I try to make suggestions as gently as possible when I see something that they don't, for instance, letting my son know that gas prices were going to go way up when I saw oil sky rocket. He drives about 100 miles round trip every work day so knowing that was coming they knew to keep their stimulus check for gas money, as much of it as they could. I also let them know about the flour prices and other food prices so they could plan ahead. Financially we help out with expenses for our grandson occasionally, like buying his school clothes. We have a little extra income, and they don't. I always ask if they need anything, and my son will only ask if it is absolutely necessary. It works out okay.

 My son is married and in his mid 30's, and now at this age he is willing to listen to suggestions about how to get out of debt and watch their spending. His wife is pretty good about handling money. Ten years ago anything I said to him was pure poison. It took him being a husband and father before he realized that maybe Mom's suggestions were really in his best interest. In other things I realize it is their life to live even if I don't agree with some things, so keep quiet on those issues. They are pretty good parents, I think. We can take our grandson anywhere with us and he behaves 99 per cent of the time;  he has his difficult moments that other 1 percent, usually when he gets tired or hungry or both. Food and a break from activities usually takes care of the problem. Edey

 Thank the good L'rd that they get smarter as they get older. Our prayers need to continue.....forever. Babs

babs:

 Thank the good L'rd that they get smarter as they get older.

Do they, really? I agree... prayers need to continue forever. I guess one never quite gets past being a parent and wanting the best for their kids.  

Boundaries is an important "peace of mind" practice--for both parent and adult child. 

rolo:

Boundaries is an important "peace of mind" practice--for both parent and adult child. 

 

Definitely. Even in the best of relationships - parent/child, or otherwise - you have to be careful and not overstep boundaries.  

In my case I'm an adult child who is now in the position of having to make decisions for my widowed parent who has serious health issues. Every day is a challenge because I never know how Mom is going to be.

I get overwhelmed, which if you've seen me post on various forums in the past few years you've seen happen. I tend to get overwhelmed when I need sleep or I'm in a lot of pain or if something has upset me. I also get frustrated. It really used to bother me how much food was wasted here at home prior to Mom's heart attack and stroke. I probably ranted about throwing out food. It was frustrating to shop and plan meals for her and to have her not like what I prepared for her.

I'd like to state that unless you have seen me in person taking care of things involving Mom you really do not know what happened to make me post some things. You have not seen me in tears when Mom is difficult or when I'm really missing the person she used to be. You also do not know what I went through while Mom adjusted to losing both a son and a husband. You were not there when she clung to me and became very possessive and demanding because she was terrified that I would be killed in an accident.

I have gotten to be on good terms with the staff at the nursing home. This is not easy because the staff changes. Since Mom's been at the nursing home there have been 3 different Directors of Nursing and 3 different Charge Nurses. That does not include the other staff members who no longer work there. I have found that Mom needs to have a clean night shirt daily. I also have found out what she will and won't wear for everyday.

When you have an elderly parent you have to learn to bite your tongue to keep from blurting out the wrong thing. You have to develop thick skin (I still don't have any). You have to be flexible and you have to second guess your parent about what clothes they want and like. You have to be able to choose library books to read with large print. You also have to realize that your life is always connected to the nursing home by a telephone 24/7.

You also have to be the person who makes the decisions about your parent's real estate and the repairs that are necessary. You do all these things by having a Power of Attorney and a Medical Directive that was signed. You get yourself a great lawyer who fights your battles for you because you hate conflict and you tend to tell everyone to ---------------off when you get upset. Having your lawyer do things for you is much nicer than hearing me spout off. You get yourself a sharp realtor to manage the rental property and then you hug her when she says "If you meet a single man I want you to give me his name so that your lawyer and I can check him out for you. We don't want you involved with the wrong man. She and I are on your side." You get some other sharp people on your side including your plumbing and heating guy. You learn to joke with him and to listen to his advice about your plumbing and heating.

And you do these things one day at a time. You also buy a big box of tissues and a big bottle of aspirin to deal with the problems of the day. You make mistakes and then you try to regroup again.  You learn that you can cope by watching comedies on tv and by holding your cat. You also tell yourself that the world will not end if you eat Chex Party Mix for all your meals. You thank your lucky stars that someone on a forum told you about the store brand cereals to use for the mix so that you can save $$$.

Its a hard place to be, the reversed roles of care Virginia!   We are going though a little of it and some with my dad before he was in a nursing home.  But since my kids are 3 and 5, biting my tongue is not something I have to worry about for a while!  caring for elderly parents will come before they are out of the house.  I got this email I thought I would share :)

MOTHERS
Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother...

The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it .
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion
that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!