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Financial Cheating

Last post Tue, Mar 1 2011 12:01 AM by cheapChic. 12 replies.
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  • Tue, Feb 22 2011 2:53 PM

    • Brandy
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on Wed, Mar 28 2007
    • Saving in South Mississippi
    • Posts 25,145

    Financial Cheating

    Finances can be a strain on a relationship when couples do not agree on how to manage money. For some this leads to spending money and not discussing it. 

    Do you hide purchases from your spouse?
    The Dollar Stretcher Community Manager

  • Tue, Feb 22 2011 3:44 PM In reply to

    Re: Financial Cheating

    Not anymore. That was what led to our credit card issues and marital strain about 3 years ago. We are very open about our spending, budget and financial condition. It's actually made me feel better because before, I hid purchases from him thinking he would disapprove of the purchase when what he disapproved of was the hiding and/or using credit. Now, I tell him if I want something, we discuss it, and often find a way to purchase it or I realize I don't really need it.

    We also have an unwritten rule that a purchase of $50 or less (excluding monthly bills, gas for the car and groceries) does not need permission from the other spouse but anything over that needs a discussion.

  • Tue, Feb 22 2011 5:50 PM In reply to

    • alexss
    • Top 500 Contributor
    • Joined on Mon, Jun 23 2008
    • Posts 134

    Re: Financial Cheating

    Never have, never will. My parents did not, his parents did.  His parents divorced, mine didn't.... hmmmm

    When money is tight, neither of us spends without planning ahead, when money is not tight, we each have pretty generous limits, but since we don't have issues with money (ie, no fighting about priorities, when to spend, what to spend or on what) it has never been an problem. 

    We have had merged accounts since we married.

  • Wed, Feb 23 2011 2:39 PM In reply to

    • Walt34
    • Top 75 Contributor
    • Joined on Mon, Dec 17 2007
    • WV eastern panhandle
    • Posts 1,406

    Re: Financial Cheating

    No hiding of spending here! That's a fast road to divorce since it has little to do with money and everything to do with honesty, partnership, and cooperation in the marriage. Even in my first marriage there wasn't (to my knowledge) any of that going on.
    Officially Recognized Stretchpert in Money Management
  • Fri, Feb 25 2011 11:35 AM In reply to

    • rolo
    • Top 50 Contributor
    • Joined on Wed, Apr 4 2007
    • Michigan
    • Posts 1,932

    Re: Financial Cheating

     aka financial infidelity

    This is a sure way to create discord and possible divorce in a marriage. Can't find the statistic right now, but financial stress/arguing over money is the #1 cause of divorce, IIRC. 



    "People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost." ~~ Dalai Lama XIV -

  • Fri, Feb 25 2011 11:38 AM In reply to

    Re: Financial Cheating

    Nope, no hiding purchases.  We both prefer to be "above board" with each other.
    Officially Recognized Stretchpert in the General forum
  • Fri, Feb 25 2011 1:19 PM In reply to

    Re: Financial Cheating

    I have in the past, but not anymore. He usually doesn't care what I buy, as long as it's needed...wants are usually set aside for bdays & Christmas gifts. He gets upset that I buy too many clothes, books, etc for the kids, which I do, I admit that. The only time I keep my spending habits from him, is around the holidays, but I'm sure upon closer inspection he'd know what I was spending and on what it is/was I was spending, but he doesn't because it's usually his gift(s). His biggest issue with my spending has always been the use of my credit cards. Which I hardly ever use now, with the exception of my Kohl's card. The others are for emergencies only.


  • Fri, Feb 25 2011 2:16 PM In reply to

    Re: Financial Cheating

    My ex used to - he also changed his withholding so nothing was kept out, because, he said "I thought we'd have it by then".  This, along with an inability to hold a job, lead to our divorce - the last year we were married he had 11 jobs... I'll grant that one lasted 6 months and one was the Naval Reserve, but still - that leaves 9 jobs in 6 months.  It wasn't pleasant.  I was always a saver, but my desire to be out of debt went up many times during and following the marriage - he had no credit because of his work and spending habits, so much of the debt was in my name.  The judge made sure we had a plan for joint marital debt, and that my ex knew he had to pay or go to jail - even so, it took him 7 years when it was supposed to be 4, and it took me years more to repair the damage to my savings and credit.
  • Sat, Feb 26 2011 10:44 PM In reply to

    Re: Financial Cheating

    I wouldn't say that I am financially cheating per say, but sometimes I do neglect to tell DH about things that I buy.  Not that I am really buying all that much that I need to hide or anything.  I rarely buy things for myself, it's not like I go out and go shopping for clothes all the time or something.  But still, I do find myself just not mentioning buying something, or saying something cost less than it did.  The crazy thing is that he really doesn't care!

    I think for me, this is a guilt thing as DH makes the money and I am generally the one that spends it.  He doesn't spend much money except on lunch now and then.  Occasionally he does buy something but he usually tells me first to make sure we have the funds available-I handle all the money in our house. And really, the only thing I spend on is household and kid needs but it still seems that I am the one that is spending, not him, so I feel compelled to make sure he feels that the money he works so hard to earn is being wisely spent and managed.

    The thing is, DH has never once in our entire marriage EVER made a single comment or criticism about the way I handle our finances, about any purchase I have ever made, nothing.  He honestly does not care how money is spent or managed as long as the bills are paid on time and we are making progress towards our goals.  He has a very busy and stressful career and does not want to think about our day to day finances (he does do our retirement planning and things like that but the day to day balancing the checkbook, paying household bills, etc, is my realm).  In fact, in all honesty, there have been times in our marriage where he should have criticized me!  I deserved it!

    So for whatever reason, I do this sometimes and even when I do it, I can't figure out why!  I know he doesn't care, we have a completely open and honest relationship and we both know exactly where we stand, financially and otherwise.  Why I feel like I should say something like the groceries cost less than they did is beyond me.  Especially when he has absolutely no concept of how much groceries cost and how much we spend on them.  Any number I gave him would receive the same (largely uninterested) response.  It's totally my issue!

    Even as I write this, I think even if I tell him exactly what I just wrote he would just shrug his shoulders and honestly not care that I spent $20 more than I said at the store or whatever.  He never even asks what I spend anyway, it's me volunteering the (slightly less than accurate!) info.

    I wonder what this says about me!  LOL.

  • Sun, Feb 27 2011 12:05 AM In reply to

    Re: Financial Cheating

    Jennylyn, I think you have a poorer sense of self value/self worth.  You may be feel guilty for spending  the money, like you feel he earns so it is HIS money instead of family money.  Let yourself in on the fact that you do deserve to buy things for yourself now and then if the budget allows.  You help the family by keeping things on an even keel and managing a household is a huge job and not everyone can do it or do it well.  Give yourself some credit and a big pat on the back for doing such a good job.  He does not say much because he trusts you and does not need to correct anything.  Hugs  Sally

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