My mom and I have a very close relationship. She is my best friend. We share everything with each other. My husband and I are living comfortably, but because of a recent house purchase and remodeling and such, we've lost our cushion in many of our accounts. Of course, stressed about money, I yapped about it to my mom on the phone. A few weeks later, she revealed to me that they (my mom and step-dad) are in BAD shape, money-wise. I feel soooo bad. Here I am complaining about "almost living paycheck to paycheck", and they are going w/o groceries and heat for their home! Their biggest concerns right now are gas for the vehicles and propane to fill their tank for the winter. Both myself and my aunt offered to give my mom money to have their tank filled up, but she refuses it.

My mom is currenlty going to nursing school to get her LPN. She has a part-time job as a care-giver for two adults with Autism. She was working full-time with this job, but was becoming overwhelmed with that and school. She didn't have time to study, and her grades were dropping. She failed this class last year for the same reason, and can't afford to do it again. Her husband works full time at the same place my husband does. I don't know what his pay is, but I do know its nowhere near what he was making at a former job. My husband is the assistant manager, so he gets better pay. The only day she has off with no school or work to go to is on Saturdays. She spends LITERALLY all day to studying. Her husband has started taking on odd-jobs (for cash) for others when he has a day off of work. He's currently making more money doing this than at his regular job, as these are cash jobs. I guess the majority of his paycheck goes to childsupport. They've had a lot of expenses lately with car problems as well. My dh has helped them tremendously in this area, but doing the labor to repair them.

 What can I do to help? I really don't think they have a budget until recently when money has became very tight. She told me the other day that by the time they pay bills, they have $140 left to buy groceries and anything else they need for the month. I haven't put it to paper yet, but I think this could be do-able.

Pride keeps my mom from accepting money. I'm thinking about seeing if she can set aside some time for me to go over and help her access her situation, create a budget and see if and where they can cut costs. She is very hesistant to go anywhere or have anyone over, b/c she desparately needs no distrations and time to study. Is there anything else I can do?

Its great that you want to help them.   

do they qualify for food stamps?  I mean really if they won't except help there is little you can do except do things yourself.   Like drop off groceries or gift card for groceries/gas.   Pay a bill on their behalf?

Or since your mom is stressed with studying...drop off some premade meals for the freezer.  It would help her with time and is a nice guesture.   people do it with sickness/new babys etc so she may accept it because it is out of love from you.

GenuineGoldens:

Pride keeps my mom from accepting money. I'm thinking about seeing if she can set aside some time for me to go over and help her access her situation, create a budget and see if and where they can cut costs.

I'm sorry to hear your mother is having problems and its wonderful that you want to help. First of all the problem isn't just your mothers, its her and her husbands problem. Secondly Pride keeps THEM from not only accepting money but help and sound financial advice. Third, they are scrambling and spinning their wheels trying to solve a problem they are trying to hide. One or both of them will get run down and sick if they fail to make serious changes.

GenuineGoldens:

Both myself and my aunt offered to give my mom money to have their tank filled up, but she refuses it.

This would be helpful for the short-term. However what they could do is contact Consumer Credit Counseling Services and set up an appointment. This company can help set up a budget and rearrange payment plans. DO NOT GO with a fly by night company that charges a fee to solve a problem. Offer to go with them for moral support. They may need an extra pair of ears to remember everything that they were told to do.

GenuineGoldens:

Is there anything else I can do?

Explain to both of them that a lot of people are in the same situation and PRIDE is keeping them from solving their problems. I caution you that you may discover some things that might make you and your parents uncomfortable so be prepared. Expect resistance to help and change. Decide for yourself what your limits are in terms of helping them and allowing them to hit rock bottom. Its painful to watch people you love resist help and our first instinct is to solve their problems for them. Good Luck and keep us posted.

I was going to suggest either having your DM and her DH over for a meal on the weekend or taking over a meal once a week.  If you know of a consumable grocery item that they enjoy then maybe you could include that.  If she's too proud to take money, then just tell that you wanted her to be able to do something besides study all day.  Maybe now she can go for a walk or visit with a friend.

When couples work together it's amazing what they can accomplish.  Even though watching this lifestyle may be difficult, it will teach many important life lessons.

I recently went to nursing school and can remember all the hours of studying that were really necessary to get through the program.  It's tough, especially going back to school as an adult!  If your mom won't accept money from you, I agree with everyone else that the best thing you can do is help alleviate some stress by helping her in other ways (which will also help with money as well.)  Fill her fridge/freezer with meals so she doesn't have to think about cooking/cleaning up.  Small gift certificates to fast food or coffee places (I haven't met a nurse that doesn't live on coffee!) to refuel when she's on the go would be helpful.  If you think she wouldn't be upset with you, you could try to arrange with your dad to have him let you in so you could clean/do laundry while mom is out of the house.  If mom usually hosts the holidays, maybe you could offer to do it instead this year.  Another thing that was helpful for me - my coworkers at my old job asked me what I would like as a gift when I left work.  I asked for an Amazon gift certificate so I could buy nursing school books on-line.  It was perfect because I could order the books used and pay for them with the certificate - this basically bought my books for the first year of school.  You could offer to help your mom look for her books on-line if she doesn't have time so it will be cheaper that way.  Also, when I graduated from school, my mom and sisters gave me money towards new scrubs as a graduation gift.  Since I needed a whole new "work wardrobe" in the form of nursing scrubs, that was very helpful as well. 

In addition to all these things, the best thing you can do is be there to listen and offer support so she can make it through to graduation.  Tell her it will all be worth it in the end!

Good luck,

Alison (RN) in Pittsburgh

First, I want to say how kind you are being to your Mother. You're a great lady!

 I would contact one or more of the utility companies, or her phone company, and explain that you want to pay on her account. If there is not a bill currently due, the funds will just be in her account, and credited to her next bill. You can also ask the representative to note it on the account that this gift is to remain anonymous, and they are not to reveal the source to her, and they will honor that. Or, pay toward her next propane refill.

If she wont accept money at all, then maybe you could be sneakier.. ask a neighbor kid to carry a basket of food  from the trunk of your car (parked around a corner!) to her door, knock, and say he was walking by and saw it on the stoop.  Make sure she's home lol!
Ok ok ok, that's pretty sneaky, but you get the idea :))