I agree about documentation.  Document everything. 

 You may consider some form of cease and desist letter.  Outline the behavior you have done to put distance between her and your family, outline the behavior you want stopped (stalking, coming within xfeet of your property/person etc)  then let her know if those terms are violated that you will contact the authorities etc.   It would be even better if you could get an attorney to draw one up.  Let her know you are serious.  Mail it by signature mail for proof that she got it in the event you ever need proof that you told her to stay away.

 I agreed with the others. It is not usual for a clingy girlfriend especially a young one to use an excuse like a birthday as an excuse to try and contact an ex boyfriend. Plus the breakup wasn't that long ago.

I would send the tshirt back with a not interested letter.   If it goes farther, then a letter from an attorney etc.   sending the tshirt back sends a clear message.

Sending it back would send a clear message for sure, I like that. However, what if she's doing this just to keep communication going? Would it be better to ignore her? I can't decide. It just creeps me out.

Cinnamonhuskies:

Sending it back would send a clear message for sure, I like that. However, what if she's doing this just to keep communication going? Would it be better to ignore her? I can't decide. It just creeps me out.

Sending it back with a letter (sent certified) clearly requesting NO FURTHER CONTACT by phone, US mail, email, electronic means or in person "should" deter her from further communicating. Any communication after that request is most likely stalking (but I don't know your laws). And request her to not come on or near your property at any time so she can't just "drop" things off while you are not at home.

But a request to cease contact should be made. Merely discontinuing contact and changing numbers, while a legitimate means of "avoiding" contact, is not an outright request to stop contact. She could argue "he never told me he didn't want a birthday present." Well, now he has. Do not contact him by any means.

I hope this girl's parents know what she is doing.

Maybe if you sent it back (not your son)? And a quick little note that says something like, "If you ever contact my son again, I will get the authorities involved."

Cinnamonhuskies: I am speaking from experience. I was in your shoes in 2005 and I can only tell you what worked for us.  My oldest DS started dating a girl his junior year in high school and we thought she was as sweet as could be, until DS broke it off, she completely changed, Making threats, calling at all hours, leaving notes/gifts etc. When the behavior first started I tried talking to the girl's mother but realized that was a mistake.  I truly feel she was instigating alot of this girl's actions.  A friend put me in touch with a counselor that dealt with adolescent issues.  She said the worst thing you can do in these cases is respond because that's what she wants.  Negative or positive, if she can get you to respond she has succeeded in getting your attention and that's what she's after.  If she stuck anything on my son's truck, in the mail box or on our porch it was thrown in the trash, unopened.  Her calls were blocked from all phones and my son was not to acknowledge her at school. This is why I would not recommend sending the shirt back even though it sounds like a good idea.  We were tempted to do that several times.  It took months but she finally moved onto someone else.  I recently ran into her mother at the store and the girl is unemployed with 2 kids, no husband and living with mom.  The mom asked me how DS was and I told her he was great but that I'd rather not discuss him with her.

Hope this helps.  I just know how frustrating it can be to have your life turned upside down by a 17 year old girl.

My vote is to ignore her as much as possible.   I've been 'that girl' who went a little bonkers once before.   Granted I ended up marrying the man and his parents thought he was the one who was crazy for dumping for me (DH likes to say his parents picked me and made him marry me - lol).   But really....she's 17, hormonal, clueless about life and all she sees right now is this great guy.   And yes you need to feel a little proud that you did raise a great guy.

She'll find someone else soon enough esp since it seems that your son has moved on.  In my case DH hadn't moved on - he was more scared of the realization that he had found the right girl so young.   We started dating at 16 but didn't marry until 21.....so 'if' they are supposed to be then they can wait.  Sounds though like they really aren't.

Document things, keep records and all of you need to ignore her - don't feed into her need to be recognized right now.  If things get crazier at least you will have some proof of what she is up to.   Unfortunately her mom doesn't sound too stable so that doesn't help.

Good luck.....and oh boy I am so not looking forward to my kids teenage years - YIKES!  (they are 6 and 3)

Something has totally rattled your son or the ex-girlfriend or both.  Their age, relationship experience, family relationships and emotional maturity play so much of a role as does your response.  Is there the possibility of a baby to worry about between the two?   

Leaving a relationship on speaking terms are the actions of a more mature person.  Make this relationship a learning experience, try to understand what went wrong and not let it happen again.  You choose your path to this...therapist, lawyer, perhaps a very trusted religious leader you have known forever or police.  

The major exception to leaving on speaking terms is someone who does something violent or someone warns you after you have been introduced by them...protecting yourself by leaving is fine...preferably find this out while dating or friends instead of married and having to deal with each other through the attorney. 

I would say the restraining order is a waste of time for now.    

If you won't allow her or him to properly explain things to each other or neither one will talk to one another, it's very problematic...especially when there is a baby that resulted from that 6 months together. 

Don't even consider meeting someone online, through friends, church, work, school etc as okay.  Unokay people are everywhere.  Some are only unokay in certain situations anyway or so desperate/messed up, they cannot make a decision.   

mamasjob:

Cinnamonhuskies:

Sending it back would send a clear message for sure, I like that. However, what if she's doing this just to keep communication going? Would it be better to ignore her? I can't decide. It just creeps me out.

.

I hope this girl's parents know what she is doing.

Her mother is/was part of the problem.....she went behind our backs to attempt to get my son to move in with them!

slk2042:

I agree with the previous poster who suggested documenting everything with the police/sheriff. That way at least you have a paper trail if you need to get a restraining order.

In the meantime, if your son does end up having to talk to her, make sure he tells her in no uncertain terms that her behavior is NOT sexy or attractive, and she is just making herself look foolish. It may be true that this young lady has a mental imbalance, but girls who feign depression to get a boy back are the pinnacle of unattractiveness.

Middle DD has had experience with borderline personality disorder in a young woman who does not want to "be friends" with DD, she wants to "be" DD.  Borderline personality disorder makes it very difficult for the individual to recognize the social boundaries the rest of us understand intuitively, (like that you can't be another person). Our experience has been that the boundaries you set must be totally rigid and inflexible - set in stone, & immovable.  DO NOT let your son talk to this girl again - it violates the boundaries set when they broke up.

Calling the police & filing a report is a good idea for a paper trail, but the t-shirt & note need to be taken to the post office, shown to the postmaster, & a report filled out that the mailbox was used to deliver it.  This is non-disputable, since the girl left a note, and the post office has no problem enforcing the rules.  If the post office files the report as a federal violation, the girl has to deal with THEM to resolve the issue, not your son.  The federal violation then can become the basis for a restraining order.