Toni B. wrote the following post at Sat, Jul 4 2009 7:45 PM:

Brandy:

Was the action threatened because they thought you kicked him out? I can't see them suggesting that you could force an eighteen year old to remain at home even if he is still in high school.

Yes. When the principal called, he asked to hear our side of the story. My son didn't say much to him, and by law the principal had to turn it over to Social Services to make sure our son's needs were met. When our son met with the Youth Services counselor, he gave this glowing impression of himself and all of us had a sit-down discussion. DH & I decided to take a "quiet approach" at the meeting just to see what would transpire. We clarified that he was welcome back home. That's when our son's stuff began to unravel. After the meeting I wrote a 2 page detailed letter of what had been going on prior to his leaving, our rules and expectations. We stated again in writing that he was welcome back home. The counselor showed Social Services the letter and said based on our letter, we were not being unreasonable nor did we "kick him out".

Brandy:

As a parent, I don't want to spend for them to maybe want to go and maybe finish if they feel like it. I expect to see some drive there.

We've lived in college towns and know what goes on in the dorms and college housing. People forget that a college education to many people is a privilege and something to be appreciated. Our son was more interested in having a grand time and we decided it wasn't going to be at our expense. He can go back anytime he wants ... at his expense.

Brandy:

My oldest has no real interest in college and at eighteen no longer lives at home.

Its not the end of the world if kids don't go to college right out of high school. I started college at age 31 after 13 years of real life experience that enhanced my college education. I know I did better academically than I would have at 18 because I learned how to prioritize and pace myself.

 What y'all have talked about here is what I'm going through with my oldest. Sort of. He will not get a job. He passed up a chance of going to college for free his senior year. He won't talk to me about his plans for his life, only says he doesn't know what he wants to do. I really don't know what to do either. His father and I have both told him he is welcome to live at home as long as he continues with his education, in any form. We've made it very clear that he will have to pay for any futher education himself. Still he does nothing. I just don't know.

cyn

 The way my parents solved this was "matching funds".  Granted, I went to a state university, and it was about $6k a year for everything--housing, books, food, tuition (you all can weep now.  :)  I know that's not the cost anymore) but my mom and I split the bill down the middle.  If I'd come up short on cash, I would not have gone for a semester. 

 

That said?  Some people are not cut for college at 18.  Really.  I saw tons of them party hearty and flunk badly.    I also really hate that most of the trade schools seem to be gone--there are some folks who really are better at stuff like electrician things, or working with one's hands, and those schools are disappearing like crazy.  We're still gonna need plumbers, no matter what!

 I have decided(2ndgengranola gave me the idea) that I am going to come up with an amount we expect Tyler to have saved by the time he starts at RPI. If it isn't there then we will reduce our help by that much. That way there is no hounding him or angry discussions. We have told him we would probably pay 6,000.00 a year. So whatever he is short he will lose from us and will have to add to what he is already borrowing. Thoughts?

Only one question since you've mentioned it before. Is your husband in agreement with you on this?

our oldest children were foster children at 18 they aged out of the system ... my DH and I  wanted while they spoke to the Social Services and they got back in the car with us .. and came home it didnt matter if they were in school or not ..

the boys worked with my DH we banked 1/2 of their income when they started college .

I am so glad that you all are talking about this subject. I thought we were the only ones dealing with this!  We are smack in the middle of the same situation with my "D"d.  She is taking summer school courses to finish up her Sr. yr early, July or Aug.  She will be 18 in Sept.  We want her to go away for college, but she wants to stay home her first year so she doesn't have to dorm. (no parties?).  there is no way I could have her stay home, and just let her do what she wants.  She wants no curfew, and be able to come and go as she pleases.  I just can't do it.  We feel so taken advantage of. So needless to say we are hanging in there till she finishes school and turns 18.  She may leave then. We told her she has to get her student loans herself, and if she grads from college (within a certain amount of time) we will pay the loans, but if she doesn't grad, she is paying.  Who knows, that may change too.  

gayla50:

it didnt matter if they were in school or not ..

 

When I posted that my son was welcome to live at home if he went to school I ment either that or have a job. He is a grown man. I want him to either get a job, go to tech school, go to collage... something.

cyn

I don't there is anything wrong with waiting a year or so to go to college or trade school.  But you have a job in the meantime.  better not to waste your money on schooling if you aren't sure about what you want to do.  but if you are living at home, you need to contribute to the household in chores and money or whatever the parents decide and any reazible rules.  like a midnight curfew.  not using the house like a hotel with maid service etc.

cyn, is your son depressed? if not time to say get a full time job or school or both or get out. because you don't want the trap of working 15 hrs a week as a job. or one night school course.

not wanting to sound harsh but I was raised with the understanding that after high school I was working or going to school.   I was out of the house by 19 and not home much before that.