You've brought up an all too familiar story. In the past couple of years, we've noticed a steady decline of my FIL and MIL. They are snow birds, spending winters in Florida and summers in Upstate NY. Its seems this generation (70 plus) have so much pride for being self sufficient and a stubborn refusal to accept their limitations. They would rather muddle through rather than ask for help or accept a change for the better. This scenario leaves family feeling helpless because as you say, some elders do require supervision, even though they demand their independence and privacy. My in-laws live in a summer camp on a hillside and we as a family have done everything to make it as elder friendly as possible, but we can't convince them to move their bedroom downstairs. In the mean time, we as a family live in fear of that phone call telling us that one of them has fallen or worse. The worst part is the mental stress that comes from worrying about them. My prayers go out to all here who are dealing with this situation.

Thank you everyone, yes please pray for us. Babs I love the idea of The adventist community but it is just too far for my comfort...but you did bring to mind the realization that we have a wider area than I had realized for us to move to be near them or with them. Going south a bit wouldn't be too bad. Our son will be in RPI in the fall so we would like to stay within an hours drive of him if possible. Interesting....last night dh cleared the history on the computer before coming to bed which he never does(I check because dd uses this computer also). I suspect he was looking at real estate and didn't want me to think he was entertaining the thought. I am going to give dh some space and time to think about it and hopefully ask God's will to be done(just in case I am not sincerely asking God's will to be done).

 I am home from church this morning with my Mom. I was jsut listening to Charles Stanley talking about Gds silence.....how if we pray and wait and listen, He will speak......if we know His voice then we will hear Him and know the difference in our wants and His wants. Isnt that true with our parents. He will show you and DH. Mean time just relax and ....you are in a unique position to be able to move. DH comutes for work, son in a new college.......love and prayers.Babs

 Why it is to important to have control of financial/business decisions for parents

My mom has a very low fixed income which qualifies her for Medicaid in addition to the usual Medicare. 

For 2 1/2 years I have tried to get her Medicaid reinstated after her lack of follow through causes it to lapse completely--she didn't do the paperwork to be recertified for assistance, initally.  This began a round of re-applying, with myself doing the endless search for important misplaced/thrown away documents like lease, account statement, etc. and then to have it all fall apart due to her not calling me when she received more paperwork in the mail, etc.  I couldn't be in charge of this as the contact address or phone number as I don't have guardianship.  It is now a huge problem with thousands of dollars of unpaid copays from recent hospitialations which can not be picked up by Medicaid assistance as they only go retroactive 4 months.  The collecotrs call my mom incessantly and she has no logical information for them due to her dementia.  And I still don't have control of the situation.  That will change soon.  

I am so sorry for what you are going through. That is definately one reason I want to be in "charge". Thanks Babs so much! I absolutely Love Charles Stanley. Just like today he always speaks right to me! You know my dh is very passive aggressive(I think they coined the term after him) so getting him to deal with this situation is going to be very difficult.

In my mother's family, it seems to fall to a daughter to deal with the aging mother. My great-great grandmother lived with my great-grandparents for a time when she was older. My great-grandmother lived with my grandparents when she died. My mother took care of my grandmother for almost five years while she had dementia and mini-strokes. She tried to do it alone for a couple of months, but her emotional and physical health were suffering for it. My mom lived next door to my grandmother, so she was never moved to my parents house. My mom hired a day sitter during the week, a night sitter during the week, and would get a day sitter for weekend if she could fine one. It was usually one of my dad's sisters, who have worked for years in home health care & nursing homes. My mom has one brother and they would spend the night with my grandmother. My uncle didn't help very much and after months of this, my mom finally "went off" and told him he was going to have to help her. He did better, but he just couldn't handle it. He was a momma's boy and it killed him to see her so helpless and feeble. My grandmother made it clear before she got sick that she didn't want to go to a nursing home. She tried to make my mom promise not to do that to her. My mom told her she couldn't promise that, but she would do all she could to keep it from happening. She never went to a nursing home but ended up dying in the hospital when she got pneumonia. My mother was depressed and cried a lot over those five years. However, God sent her a granddaughter during that time and both my sister and myself were pregnant when my grandmother died. I see so much of my grandmother in my daughter and my older niece. My grandmother gave my mother POA before she got too sick, so my mom took care of the finances for her. It's a lot of stress, and I know my day is coming, though I hope it's not for a while. My parents are both 59, DH's parents are 55 & 57. All are still in good health, but my mom is diabetic and has arthritis, so she limps around. She has told us to put her in a nursing home so she won't be a burden to us. She's my mother. I know it would be hard to put my entire life on hold like my mom did and care for my mother like I now care for my daughter, but my mom brought me into the world and cared for me, so it's the least I can do for her. We live 20 minutes from my parents and 45 minutes from DH's parents. We are blessed that we could move to be close to them without a lot of difficulty.

I am praying for all of you ... my DH and I are the aging parents along with my bil and sil (2)   we have all made our wishes known  and informed we have everything in place .. we had our trail run three years ago when my DH had cancer ..I am so proud of my children our family ... our children know who in charge and who gets what ... it been a lesson .. my Sil and Bil  have made arrangements their children know .I have a Sister in law who is 85 she is in excellent health she has all her arrangement made she said being here is pure joy for me I love the fact that we are doing all we can for our children

When Dad and Mom sold their house to move into a condo, Dad's tools and stuff came over to my garage.  He comes over during nice weather and putters or mows the lawn, something where he can do something if he wants -- though he's certainly not obligated to do so!  When Mom passed, he moved into a different condo and has since moved into a high rise apartment that is mostly seniors.  This gives him a sense of purpose to do small odd tasks, yet he does maintain his own lifestyle and friends with the apartment.  They have a seniors birthday once a month in their community room, and there is a regular group that likes to go to the local hospital cafeteria to eat. 

For those who have aging fathers, room in your garage to fix things might allay any fears about going into an apartment where there is no place for tools.  Dad also will come over when I am at work and just sit in the back yard on a nice day.  A yard is something one doesn't really have in an apartment.  Just a thought for discussion. 

My wife was the youngest child of a second marriage. We were in our 20's when we had her parents to take care of. We moved a trailer to the family property a year and a half into our marriage and over the next ten years, took care of them. They died 20 months apart. Their biggest fear was "being put away" in a nursing home. My wife did promise them it wouldn't happen. We were true to our word.

My wife was able to quit work just before our only child was born. Before the child was 2, My MIL was diagnosed with cancer. The next year was a major trial on our health and well being in general. I was working nights, so I would come home, stay up into the afternoon watching our daughter until I could get a little sleep, just to go to work again and do the same thing the next day. As primary caretaker, it was like my wife was working full time again. The emotional toll was tremendous, especially since my father-in-law didn't like the idea that the attention wasn't all on him, and he certainly acted out like a toddler would. His philosophy was that if you treat someone badly and they stay, they must love you. After my MIL died, he, grieving and still needing to feel in control, would call other family members lying that he hadn't see us in days and we just left him alone. They would call and jump on us and not believe what we told them. In all that time, we never left him alone. He stayed in his own house, but we had an intercom between the houses, and we both spent quite a bit of time with him every day.

My wife's brothers barely came to see them at all. One couldn't stand to see them, and the other said "just call me when he's dead". My FIL's controlling nature took a toll on the whole family. 16 years later, my wife still has the scars from his mental cruelty, but feels that she stood her ground to the end and fulfilled her promise to them. We both agree we did our best by them, and would do it again. We did in our 20's what most do in their 50's. We could have used the experience in life of a 50 year old, but didn't have it to draw on.

All in all, I think there will be trying times, but the main variable in the mix is this: What is the attitude of the parents? Are they realistic about what is happening? Pride is one thing, but beating your children over the head with your pride is something else. How much help you can be is only as much as they can bring themselves to accept. Make sure you and your spouse have earnest discussions and agreement on what's best. Believe me, the DH of the caretaker daughter is commited as much as she is. Every so often get a sitter and take some time for yourselves. THIS IS CRUCIAL!

My parents are 74 and 69, and as of now are still completely independent. There are 5 boys in the family, and no girls. We have all had discussions about who our parents would move in with. Competitions are more like it. We are all pretty much are ready for it. My wife is like the daughter they never had, and they are like the parents she never had. She is ready when needed to do it all over again, but this time with parents who actually appreciate it. There is a very realistic view from all sides about the implications. This will be so much different than before. Thank God for that.

My Uncle is 88 he lived in California  Wife passed  Dd passed from Cancer and Son was killed in an auto accident .. just him he sold his apartment and came here he said if I get sick I dont want strangers looking after me  he gave my DH POA  I  hope he have joy and happiness but I am so glad we did have to make decisions with him in North CA  and us in NC.