This week being at my parents for my mom's surgery made it quite clear that my parents need to move out of their house. It is just too much for them to handle with my fathers health condition . While I was there he fell on the front steps and has been limping all week(refuses to go to the doctor). He also had an accident in my car(could not control his bowels). It has never happened to him before in public but he has regular bowel probelms. I have never felt so bad and so much compassion for my father! My brother finally admitted to me he thinks we could take care of them better(I don't live near them) as it is just him and his wife(and young son) and his wife will not help. He has spent hours and hours over there this winter. He loves them so much and it hurt him to admit that he was having a hard time. They are 74 and 75. My father has heart problems, diabetes and is going downhill. He won't listen to us about waiting for us to help him(shoveling, household maintenance) and refuses to hire anyone to help, accept once or twice a year. My 104 year old grandmother lives with them and in all seriousness is in much better shape than both my parents. She is more help than hinderance. My mother has balance problems and has fallen quite a bit in recent years.

So, my brother and I firmly believe my father does not have a lot of time left and another winter in that house may kill him. We believe it is time to do something. My mother keeps saying it is not the time to move but my dad wants more than anything to be here in Vermont near me and his grandkids. He has for the last 5 years but my mom wont move because she is worried what it will do to my grandmother. She is the least of my worries she is healthy as a horse. my mother also does not want to move from the home she has spent 42 years in. I understand that and I hurt for her.

 The options my brother and I have discussed are a condo near me or assisted living(I honestly don't think they need that yet, my dad and mom still drive well and I can't imagine them downsizing that much and I will not force my grandmother into a nursing home it would kill her quickly). I feel however that my father really needs close supervision. Living in a condo would not alleviate many of the stresses of being on their own. SO I have been thinking about the idea of them living with me, dh and the kids in a separate living situation on our property. It would mean selling this house as we can not add on and buying something else which is not a bad thing as both dh and I are not thrilled with where we live yet we are grateful that God has provided such an comfortable place for us. I guess in all honesty I want to take care of them. Putting them in a nursing home will not be an option for me until I can no longer take care of them physically or emotionally. my dad needs someone to take my mom and grandmother to doctor appointments, go to the dump, shovel, take care of finances, just take some of the burden off of him. My mother is a very pampered person and "let's" my dad do everything. We know 2 people who have these arrangements and it is working out very well(so far). Geez i better wrap this up! DH is against it and it is making me resentful because I know it is because he just doesn't want them here yet I know when his mother needs care he will probably come to me and want us to take her in. I come from a family where you take care of your parents, siblings etc... but his family just doesn't seem to have that belief. Everyone seems to go into a nursing home when "the time comes". Am I being selfish? Too hard on DH?

 I understand how you feel. My parents and grandmother were in NC, Dad had a stroke. My Mom cared for him at home for 6 years. It ruined her health. Then my Grandma lived another 7 years., Mom had to do a lot of care. We had ask them to move here and Mom would leave Grandma. She was 99 when she died. Finally my Mom moved here in 1999. We made many trips and spent a lot of money trying to help them long distance. It was crazy.

Now, my Mom lives in our house. We bought a large, old farmhouse that had two baths and two kitchens. It had been used for farm hands. We make her a small apt on the second floor. She has been very happy to be near us. Now she is having trouble with the stairs and recently been very sick. For right now, she is downstairs with us so I can help her with medicine and meals. It has been less stressful to have her near. She has enjoyed the grandkids and now greatgrand kids. The hard part for her was making new friends. She goes to church but this will never really be home for her. She is content but still calls NC home. It would have been easier for her if she had moved with my
Dad. I think that she would have settled in better.

Financally, she put everything in my name when she moved.She didnt want the money she had to have to be used to pay for a nursing home . I have that in CDs and it is there to use for her needs and to bury her. Then if there is any left, it will be mine.  She gave each of my 5 kids an amount of money when she moved. The two older kids used it to help buy a home. The younger three kids  money are in CD with an older family members name on the account. It is for them to use when they buy a home.

I would encourage you to do what you need to now It is much harder as they get older and sicker. Pray that G'd will give you wisdom. Let them know that you are trying to honor them with your care. Babs 

Honestly, if you can have them on your property but not in your house I think it is a great idea. Still gives them independence, but help when they need it.

"Let them know that you are trying to honor them with your care"

 Thanks for the reminder. It is so easy to get hotheaded. It sounds like it is working out for you, I am glad.

 Unless you have power of attorney, medical directive for health care decisions, and/or guardianship aka contorl over parents, it is a moot point.  Your parents are adults and until they agree to any of this you can't move them. 

Sad, but true.

You have to place your husband and children first.  They are your family now.  

As for caregiving, unless you have acutally stepped in and done this, you don't realize it is a 24/7 job. How will this work into the life you have with your husband and children?  Who will you not have time for?  What school funcitions will you deicide to miss?  What time spent with your husband are you willing to give up?

 I am currently dealing with these issues with my mother.  It's very diffcult. 

I recommend the book: How to care for Aging Parents by Virginia Morris.  Get the new edition.  It is an invaluable resource. 

WOW???? you have your hands full, get a power of atterney then talk to a lawyer get some help if you can...

I was a nurses aid when I was ateenager and its hard work don't go it alone thats all I can say, if you believe in god can I put you in our church prayer box you need a prayer ....

Have a blessed weekend...

Rolo is right about the power of attorney, etc. Mom was in the middle of signing over everything to me when she had her stroke in 2007.

I took care of Mom 24/7 prior to her stroke. I can tell you firsthand that I did not have a life of my own for over a year as Mom's health got worse.

Mom finally got to the point where I insisted that she move her bedroom from upstairs to downstairs. I had rented a hospital bed for her (you can get tax breaks if you get a doctor's prescription for things like this).

It was diificult for me to care for Mom as I'm handicapped now. I had grab rails installed in the bathrooms. We have a chair elevator.

Mom is now in a nursing home. It is not cheap. The plus side of it is that I do not have to worry about if the help will show up to take care of her.

FYI: There are support groups that you can look into for help and advice including a stroke support group.

It is not easy to deal with aging parents.

Babs,

Can you install a chair elevator for your Mom? They are a great deal of help. With a doctor's prescription for it, you can take it off your taxes.

Bruno makes one. That's the brand I have in my home. Yankee Magazine has ads for chair elevators in New England.

I was able to get Mom to agree to hand held showers, grab rails, and shower chairs in the bathrooms. That helped a great deal also.

 We moved my Dad here a year ago.  Mom died nearly 6 years ago and before she did she told me to get Dad here as soon as I could because he knew nothing about the checkbook, bills, etc.  Not because he is dumb or anything.  For whatever reason my Dad got stuck back in the good old days and expects the world to operate like it did in the 1940's.   

 We found him a place 7/10 of a mile from our place.  He is close enough so I can check on him all the time but far enough away to think he is on his own.  We have at least 2 tragedies a week where either DH or myself has to dig him out of some paperwork hole but its better than trying to do it long distance.  He was at the point of calling 911 everytime he had a little sniffle or something.  A call out to where he lived was a good $1000 a pop.  Thankfully he has barely had a sniffle here.  

He hates, I mean absolutely hates being out of his house.  Every converstation somehow goes to something about if he were in his house.  It is annoying but I understand many go through this.  I figure that at least he is not out in the big middle of nowhere by himself.  If something were to happen, it wouldn't take 8+ hours for one of us to get there (I was the closest at an 8 hour drive).

 I don't think you are being selfish.  I think people should care for the older members of the family.  

 4givennotperfect, there is a nice place in Vernon, south of Brattleboro. It is an Advent Christian facility. They have apt for elderly, a retirement home ( individual rooms with on site dining room and 24/7 staff), then a nursing home. People can transistion from one level to another as needed. It would be closer to you yet give them their independance. Dont know about cost. They have a van to bring people into town and a church service. Nice place. DH used to preach and lead Bible study there. Beautiful place too, near the river, they have raised beds for the people to garden. Might be something to look into. Brattleboro has the Senior High Rise Apt. right downtown so easy access to get out and about.  Babs