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Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

MarthaMFI — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 04:25:37 GMT

any process or thought about unfrugal spouses! I would have to confess I am the unfrugal one at the moment but not big amounts!

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

Darlene — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 14:04:51 GMT

Thanks for your encouragement fellow posters! I'm hanging in there with great expectations for the future.

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

cheapChic — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 03:16:28 GMT

I just got done reading recflections on Easter-how god provides---- it is a good reflection within our self...:)

cynthia

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

babs — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 01:45:03 GMT

Darlene, remember that if you are both Christians and you believe that He brought you together then you can survive. The Bible says that when we marry the two become one flesh That means that when you hurt, he hurts too. He is a man and just handles things in a different way. Dont give up. Pray for wisdom and patience and for G'd to change your DH heart. If you love each other, remember that love covers a mulitude of sins even the ones with money. Please feel free to vent here any time. It helps to get it out and better with us than DH. Remember with G'd all things are possible. Babs

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

My Family's Interests — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 00:09:05 GMT

Reading the above post reminded me of a post I read today on one of the regular blogs I read The baglady....she did a very good post today on her thoughts about God providing financially

http://baglady.dreamhosters.com/

Reflections on Easter - How Does God Provide?

March 24th, 2008 — Bible, Marriage, San Mateo, Life, Money

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

Darlene — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 18:47:58 GMT

I have looked over this post several times and it is so painful. I also have a liberal thinking husband in regards to finances. In the past year or two we had over $26,000 in CC debt. He thought it was no big deal. The creditors called constantly. He would make a plan, but not pay toward it. We really did not have extra to pay. All of the debt was for non-necessities he charged. He is a Christian man and thought the Lord would get us out of this predicament. HE did but not in the miraculous way my husband wanted. We were able to pay this completely off, but had to use unexpected resources. Although I didn't have anything to do with making this debt, I had to week by week send in payments and deal with the creditors.

We been through the Dave Ramsey course, DH does not like this system. Did the Larry Burkett system and other systems too. Dh is very "dreamer" oriented. Finds get rich quick ideas and wants to run with them. Older children are out of the house now, but still have a high schooler at home. I think it would not be good to separate right now. I don't think he wants to change, most of my thrifty ways offend him. Thanks for giving me a place to vent. This is my cross to bear for the time being.

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

Walt34 — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:26:45 GMT

A counselor can be a help, but not always. The one my first wife and I went to thought it was okay to clean out the savings for a trip to Disney World. I would say that if half of the marriage is vehemently opposed to it then it is not okay. The counselor told her that I was meticulous about car maintenance/appearance because of job stress, when in reality it was (and is) because cars are expensive and they last longer if well maintained. I even waxed my bicycle in Jr. high school.

I have heard of people going to two or three different counselors before they found one that "clicked" but that requires commitment to the marriage. In her case it was an insistence on taking out a loan for a pleasure trip when we were already flat broke, which to me was simply a mathematical impossibility, so she left. It was a while before I realized that she was, from my perspective, just selfish and sloughed off basic responsibilities. Some people can live that way - I've written before about the couple DW and I know who are $400-500K in debt.

A book you might want to read is one titled "Please Understand Me II" by David Keirsey, about different personality types. The web site is at http://www.keirsey.com/ and there are descriptions of four main personality types and sub-types within those. You will almost certainly see characteristics of both yourself and your husband there.

Bearing in mind, of course, that this is just one author's opinion and it is not to be taken as the last word. But I found the book a fascinating read since it described the reasons for so many of the (apparently) strange and illogical things that people do.

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

Tinamarie — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 08:05:56 GMT

I have quit "just blowing" money and using my c.c. so that in itself is good. I have also decided to try to get my husband to listen to the Dave Ramsey CD's that came with my kit. I think that maybe Mr. Ramsey can inspire him to look at the future and make some changes. I can only change myself so I am doing what I can for now and setting aside money and when I can I will invest. Hopefully he will join me in my efforts sometime in the future.

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

wvtrailseeker — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:47:41 GMT

Tinamarie, a few questions for you, OK?

1.When you are making money and putting it in an account, do you pay bills that he normally would pay when you don't have the money?

2. Does he always allow the bills to go delinquent before paying?

3. Can you talk to him about this problem without saying the dreaded "You should, You need to?"

4. Could you support yourself and your children if you were to separate and or divorce?

5. Do you discuss all the finances with him? Example, the rent/mortage is due on the 10th of the month, can we pay it everymonth?

I used to think that I was the one who needed to be in control of our finances to make sure DH couldn't live without me. I was needed so thereby he wouldn't leave/divorce me. I learned from a long time of living with him that I had the problem he didn't. So I started to talk to him about the finances, and let him decide what we were paying and when. He soon learned that balancing that budget he wanted to live in was danged near impossible. He finally decided to allow me full desgreation in our accounts and we now have the money saved to pay off all of our bills and some.

I did learn thru all of this, that I can only control myself, and he must control himself. Even if he doesn't agree with you about the budget you can only do so much and then it is up to him.

It may be hard to do, but you may have to let him go, either let him take care of the bills or leave, so you can do it yourself. It really does boil down to that, in the end.

Ann Landers always said" ask yourself if your life would be better without him," and if you can then that may be where you are heading, by yourself. In the end, it is really all about you and he and if you can learn to live with him, and his money problems. JMHO tho, not something written in stone.

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

Cinnamonhuskies — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 13:36:13 GMT

Do what you can and let it go. It's maddening I know. But it sounds like he has tried and put out some effort even it's very small. Applaud him whenever he does anything frugal even if it's little! You know, reward good behavior. But by charging your cards up in retaliation doesn't do either of you any good. Don't make yourself a martyr in front of him or others either by making a big deal about going without this or that while he buys new stuff. That will have the opposite effect and is counter productive.

I feel for you and will pray for your family. Sometimes money struggles in a marriage are symptoms of a relationship issue....If you've done Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, listen to the audio on relationships again.

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

CharlieB — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 13:21:45 GMT

Tinamarie, I think arianasilver gave great advice.

He should know that this is a serious issue, and you two should have that frank discussion. Maybe a third party like a counselor could help, give a course of action to follow, I don't know... At some point, it seems he may have two paths to chose from - either you work together concerning the expenses and spending, or he continues on in a selfish manner of going in debt. I would hope he'd realize the second choice would lead him to a pretty sad outcome.

I wish you the best of luck!

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

Tinamarie — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 08:33:43 GMT

None of the things you guys have told me is a big shock. I haven't decided yet that it's time for a divorce. However, I am in the process of putting myself first for the first time years. I have a BA so going back to work is no problem although I would have to move closer to family (which would be expensive, but I know that they would help me). I have started selling the furniture I find and fix up and the $$ goes directly into my own account. I am also looking into selling my crafts which I do because I love to craft, but I know that I can make some money from them. In addition I am a gifted singer and if I needed to I could sing for weddings/ funerals, etc. The thing is I really want him to come to his senses. I do love him and of course no one wants a divorce. I guess I need to sit him down again and really say everything I've said here to him again. Then I need to let him know that I am really feeling hurt and that he is damaging our future finances and being selfish and impulsive and see what he says. Anyone else have any other ideas or imput?

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

My Family's Interests — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 02:24:55 GMT

Sounds like there are deeper issues. He is not interested in putting the family first, just him. My dh has not been the most frugal of persons but never to that extreme. He ate out all the time but did not go into debt for it. mostly spending all the money he had (high salary) instead of saving more etc. He has made lots of changes!

My friend was in a similar situation and had to separate to protect her and the kids. him not wanting to work after spending all their money on a course (the job..easy money here at the moment). debts debts and creating more debts. They would have been homeless if it wasn't the fact they were living in his family's owned home. couple years later barely any child support but she loves that weight off her shoulders. still paying off some of his debts she is stuck with. He is still straighting out his life, hopefully soon. She was frugal, worked but it was never enough to pay bills and his bills and more bills. neverending treadmill. he spent any money that was going rent/bills etc. His family blamed her for not controlling him though they were a big part of why he was like that.

bottom line he is selfish and need to grow up. see it too many times. hope it changes for the better for you. Remember it is your retirement funds/kids college funds etc too that he is spending while you are economizing. best wishes.

Re: Finances with an unfrugal husband

Walt34 — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 18:46:00 GMT

Tinamarie:
I have a question/ rant. My efforts to get out of debt and my use of frugal skills are frittered away by my impulsive, overspending, somewhat selfish husband.

This sounds like my ex-wife from 25 years ago. She left when I refused to take out a loan for a pleasure trip when we were already flat broke, she was one of those who thought it is okay to mail the house payment late because the penalty didn't happen until it was ten days late. Different situation, no children and I had a steady job and time to financially recover. It sounds like you are doing and have done all that you can.

Is getting a part-time job an option for you? Perhaps delivering newspapers in the early AM, or part time office work during the day if your children are in school. A school is a good place to apply for a job with those hours.

Is this husband someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Divorce is disastrous, it was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me, but I was much happier only two years later. Being is single mom is a hard row to hoe, both of my sisters have "been there, done that" because of childish and selfish husbands, but both were better off five years later. I'm not advocating divorce, I didn't even want the one that happened to me, but recognize that it may be the only way out. Just recognize that he may not be willing or even able to change. Where do you want to be 20 years from now? Do you see your husband in that picture?