General

Re: DS quit his second job

mamasjob — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:48:19 GMT

Toni B.:

mamasjob:
My dad and I sat down with the pencil and calculator--the week after graduation.
In many families, this ends up in a shouting match. Unfortunately some kids aren't motivated and when they see a "discussion about their future" headed their way, they shut down. And they know that if they Do Nothing & Say Nothing, that eventually the parents will step in and take over out of sheer frustration. Its a passive aggressive approach to kids getting their way by wearing the parents down. We don't like to call it that because parents have blind spots when it comes to our kids. Sadly I think there are a lot of kids (mine included) who are resistant to independence and personal responsibility. They have what I call PCS - Permanent Childhood Syndrome AKA Peter Pan Syndrome (I don't wanna grow up). My kids mother however was short on sympathy.
mamasjob:
I had a healthy fear of not being able to pay rent come next spring and letting my roommates down.
More kids should have that kind of healthy fear but they know if they whine enough parents will break down and give in.

Oh, my dad and I have had our share of shouting matches, LOL. But one thing my parents never tolerated was whining--I was sent to my room so my parents didn't have to listen to it. I was taught to "figure it out" or that was the response to my "whining" about something not going my way. Sitting down with my dad was most likely in response to me "whining" about how I was going to pay for all of my living expenses the next year. He probably said "let's sit down and figure it out." I didn't know it then, but my dad is really a pretty smart guy, LOL.

Re: DS quit his second job

MarthaMFI — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:20:14 GMT

lol. whining I can't stand! one way to get in trouble here fast is to whine. the grandparents can't stand it either so my kids don't do it much of it.

Re: DS quit his second job

Toni B. — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 14:35:18 GMT

mamasjob:
My dad and I sat down with the pencil and calculator--the week after graduation.

In many families, this ends up in a shouting match. Unfortunately some kids aren't motivated and when they see a "discussion about their future" headed their way, they shut down. And they know that if they Do Nothing & Say Nothing, that eventually the parents will step in and take over out of sheer frustration. Its a passive aggressive approach to kids getting their way by wearing the parents down. We don't like to call it that because parents have blind spots when it comes to our kids. Sadly I think there are a lot of kids (mine included) who are resistant to independence and personal responsibility. They have what I call PCS - Permanent Childhood Syndrome AKA Peter Pan Syndrome (I don't wanna grow up). My kids mother however was short on sympathy.

mamasjob:
I had a healthy fear of not being able to pay rent come next spring and letting my roommates down.

More kids should have that kind of healthy fear but they know if they whine enough parents will break down and give in.

Re: DS quit his second job

latenightleader — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 14:28:28 GMT

living simple- I was wondering why you would pay student loans for your child? My dd has a bunch, I think that will be her incentive to work fulltime after school, I have lots of doubts of jobs in her field, but the loans will be her bill.

My dd is taking summer school this summer, so is not working hardly at all. Luckily, school is pretty inexpensive, with grants and the state school, living at home and taking the bus. However, she has traveled, and taken out loans for those classes. That is going to be her job to pay off, and I think it will be a good education in how hard it is to pay off what seems like small amounts, but quickly eats up money you could have now- maybe a lesson well worth the bill.

My next is just starting high school, lot of time to plan for him.

Re: DS quit his second job

Brandy — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:47:39 GMT

4givennotperfect:
we told you you need to be working fulltime this summer

How much of summer does he actually have left?

Re: DS quit his second job

mamasjob — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:44:03 GMT

I'm chiming in late here with a bit of a different perspective as I wasn't 18. But when I was 22 and had graduated from college, my dad told me that (1) he was proud of me for finishing in 4 years with a 3.5 gpa; (2) law school was a whole lot harder than college and (3) while he would help with tuition (I also had scholarships and grants), my living expenses were on my own from now on as I was truly an adult at age 22. My undergrad was a state school and I had scholarships to cover almost all expenses, btw.

I found an apt for the fall with 2 other girls and my share for rent, utilities and 1/2 of a garage was $300 per month. So I knew I needed a summer job that would bring in minimum of $3600 to cover my apt. I wanted to make $5000 so I could have gas money and have a little bit of spending money!

My dad and I sat down with the pencil and calculator--the week after graduation. My full-time pool/lifeguard job would guarantee 40+ hours and I remember thinking I would have almost $3000 from that job. My second job of teaching private swimming lessons would/could bring in another $500 to $1000. But I wanted more savings (and a bit to spend during the summer, I was 22 after all!). So I found a 3rd job I could work 2 days a week that would cover my shortfall. By the time I left for law school (my parents graciously let me live at home for free that summer) I had $5600 in savings. I worked 7 days a week, sometimes 9 in the morning to 10 at night. I also had to pay my car insurance and taxes. This was 1998 so costs are different now. I was making max $8 per hour any any of my jobs but I was also working 70 hours a week sometimes.

I would recommend you all sit down and break down the college expenses. I know you said there is a need for $22000 next year. Find out what portion is housing and what portion is tuition. Offer to help either with the housing part or tuition part, which ever you think will motivate him. If he has to pay for his dorm/living unit, he may be more careful with his spending. If he has to cough up his own funds for part of his tuition, it may instill a sense of pride in his education. My dad never "forced" me to work as much as I did that summer but I figured out that I had to work that much to cover my living expenses--I had a healthy fear of not being able to pay rent come next spring and letting my roommates down. My dad and I are exactly the same--stubborn. Forcing anything never works with either of us, LOL. Good luck!

Re: DS quit his second job

4givennotperfect — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:04:09 GMT

Toni, yes he is in agreement. We just haven't sat down to figure out what that number should be because ds told us kmart will not give him fulltime hours his first week. DH told him last night that if he didn't have full time hours by next week then he would have to find a second job(yeah DH!). DH raised his voice to Tyler when he was arguing with us and said we told you you need to be working fulltime this summer. Tyler was quite sarcastic. He is so much like me it isn't funny. I sure hope he has better restraint of tongue out in the real world.

Re: DS quit his second job

MarthaMFI — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 03:23:28 GMT

I don't there is anything wrong with waiting a year or so to go to college or trade school. But you have a job in the meantime. better not to waste your money on schooling if you aren't sure about what you want to do. but if you are living at home, you need to contribute to the household in chores and money or whatever the parents decide and any reazible rules. like a midnight curfew. not using the house like a hotel with maid service etc.

cyn, is your son depressed? if not time to say get a full time job or school or both or get out. because you don't want the trap of working 15 hrs a week as a job. or one night school course.

not wanting to sound harsh but I was raised with the understanding that after high school I was working or going to school. I was out of the house by 19 and not home much before that.

Re: DS quit his second job

goldenblaise — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:57:04 GMT

gayla50:
it didnt matter if they were in school or not ..

When I posted that my son was welcome to live at home if he went to school I ment either that or have a job. He is a grown man. I want him to either get a job, go to tech school, go to collage... something.

cyn

Re: DS quit his second job

livingsimple — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:44:13 GMT

I am so glad that you all are talking about this subject. I thought we were the only ones dealing with this! We are smack in the middle of the same situation with my "D"d. She is taking summer school courses to finish up her Sr. yr early, July or Aug. She will be 18 in Sept. We want her to go away for college, but she wants to stay home her first year so she doesn't have to dorm. (no parties?). there is no way I could have her stay home, and just let her do what she wants. She wants no curfew, and be able to come and go as she pleases. I just can't do it. We feel so taken advantage of. So needless to say we are hanging in there till she finishes school and turns 18. She may leave then. We told her she has to get her student loans herself, and if she grads from college (within a certain amount of time) we will pay the loans, but if she doesn't grad, she is paying. Who knows, that may change too.

Re: DS quit his second job

gayla50 — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 23:32:31 GMT

our oldest children were foster children at 18 they aged out of the system ... my DH and I wanted while they spoke to the Social Services and they got back in the car with us .. and came home it didnt matter if they were in school or not ..

the boys worked with my DH we banked 1/2 of their income when they started college .

Re: DS quit his second job

Toni B. — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 23:27:43 GMT

Only one question since you've mentioned it before. Is your husband in agreement with you on this?

Re: DS quit his second job

4givennotperfect — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 22:47:57 GMT

I have decided(2ndgengranola gave me the idea) that I am going to come up with an amount we expect Tyler to have saved by the time he starts at RPI. If it isn't there then we will reduce our help by that much. That way there is no hounding him or angry discussions. We have told him we would probably pay 6,000.00 a year. So whatever he is short he will lose from us and will have to add to what he is already borrowing. Thoughts?

Re: DS quit his second job

KateHC — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 11:27:32 GMT

The way my parents solved this was "matching funds". Granted, I went to a state university, and it was about $6k a year for everything--housing, books, food, tuition (you all can weep now. :) I know that's not the cost anymore) but my mom and I split the bill down the middle. If I'd come up short on cash, I would not have gone for a semester.

That said? Some people are not cut for college at 18. Really. I saw tons of them party hearty and flunk badly. I also really hate that most of the trade schools seem to be gone--there are some folks who really are better at stuff like electrician things, or working with one's hands, and those schools are disappearing like crazy. We're still gonna need plumbers, no matter what!

Re: DS quit his second job

goldenblaise — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 10:35:56 GMT

What y'all have talked about here is what I'm going through with my oldest. Sort of. He will not get a job. He passed up a chance of going to college for free his senior year. He won't talk to me about his plans for his life, only says he doesn't know what he wants to do. I really don't know what to do either. His father and I have both told him he is welcome to live at home as long as he continues with his education, in any form. We've made it very clear that he will have to pay for any futher education himself. Still he does nothing. I just don't know.

cyn