Debt Management and Elimination

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

MarthaMFI — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:52:46 GMT

lol didn't they do a study a long time ago that husbands cause more housework then kids...

dh does say sometimes it would be nice to have had kids before men had to change diapers etc but all our friends had kids first and all the men did their part. most I know do their part of cooking and cleaning.

basically dh is logical and so knows I don't wanna is not an acceptable excuse for an adult. he does say sometimes ...I don't wanna but I will. Of course I do most of housework etc but that is by choice and he does most of the outside/car/handyman stuff. his parents have a split in the housework since they are both retired.

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

grame — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:03:46 GMT

MarthaMFI:
I would be on strike. I would stop doing everything I was doing or just do my share.

I have to do this periodically. He seems to need reminders. I work full time and he is retired but gets it in his head that everything is "Woman's work".

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

cheapChic — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 03:19:35 GMT

4givennotperfect:
Lee I am so glad you are able to make it work. DH comes from a home where in the exact words of his father spoken to me "I'll be damned if i'll do laundry that's what I have a wife for". Now DH has NEVER EVER spoken that way and has always cooked and changed diapers and done a small amount of cleaning but way less than he should. It's hard to come out of that environment and not be a little biased. Perhaps I am biased about thinking a women should never have to work fulltime if she has children except for unusual circumstances. I don't feel that way but maybe I am blind.

Uh what are you chief cook bottle washer uh oh the man grunts in the cave man mantaity sorry for speaking my mind this way 4givin sounds like the man gets the woman pregnet and she works in the kichen pregnet and barefoot cooking for the man of the house oh brother sorry Im for rights still I hate the mantality of what men still do now and then I hope things get better or might cool down if you can be calm and collected easier said then done I am saying let us know how things turn out for you. You do have forum friends here I am a hardazz when it comes to this but I told you thats how come I got divorced I could have worked it out but I was getting older and then I was mentally totally out of it so moved out just kinda a mini break down but I wish you luck and we are rotting for you I don't no how to spell the word right my spell check is not installed you might get the picture...

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

Lee — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 03:07:06 GMT

4given, I completely agree with you that environment and upbringing play a large part in the way you think and act as an adult. Fortunately, my MIL expected the same in regards to doing things around the house from my DH that she did his sisters. My brothers on the other hand don't do a whole lot inside the house to help their wives because they were never required to so they grew up thinking that's how it is. Both of their wives work full time, one feels the need to due to finances the other works because she's has a master's degree in education and has a passion for teaching. I won't say I have a passion for accounting but I do enjoy my job and with DH's willingness to pitch in and no small kids at home no one is suffering because I'm not at the house from 7:30 - 5:30 because for the most part, neither is anyone else other than the dog.

I wish I had some advice to give you. The truth is even though you don't get up and go to a paying job everyday you are working just as hard as those that do work full time. The problem is how to get your DH to see that. Several years ago our financial planner brought over an example of what it would cost to replace a stay at home parent in the event of their death. Of course he was trying to push life insurance but it was really interesting. If I recall it was like $120,000.00 a year and that was 15 years ago. In your case you could also add the part time salary you bring in. I wonder if that would help your DH get an idea of your worth at home.

Good luck.

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

MarthaMFI — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 03:04:26 GMT

lol I would be on strike. I would stop doing everything I was doing or just do my share. me and dh have had these discussions..the more I work the more he gets to do. of course when I was in the hospital when ds was born..4-5 days cus c section and he had dd and the house to do all by himself...didn't want to be a stay at home parent after that.

lots of couples we know grocery shop together, clothes shop etc but he would but that is not his thing I do have to do some mending lol...he is starting to make comments since our new cockatiel likes to chew on buttons and he says don't chew the buttons since mommy doesn't sew them on....I did mention he can do it himself lol.

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

4givennotperfect — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 00:10:46 GMT

Lee I am so glad you are able to make it work. DH comes from a home where in the exact words of his father spoken to me "I'll be damned if i'll do laundry that's what I have a wife for". Now DH has NEVER EVER spoken that way and has always cooked and changed diapers and done a small amount of cleaning but way less than he should. It's hard to come out of that environment and not be a little biased. Perhaps I am biased about thinking a women should never have to work fulltime if she has children except for unusual circumstances. I don't feel that way but maybe I am blind.

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

Lee — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 21:02:21 GMT

4Given, hang in there. You are in such a tough spot. In order for those 2 income families your DH sees running so smoothly to operate that way, it has be to a family effort with everyone in the family willing to go the extra mile on a daily basis.

Amen Erika, I too work a fulltime, 40 hour a week, job outside the home and my home runs smoothly for the most part but that's only because DH does his fair share and then some. I do 2 - 3 loads of laundry on the weekend but it would be twice that if he weren't doing 2 - 3 loads during the week. He's not much of a cook other than grilling out, but he cleans the kitchen every evening after supper. I do the deep house cleaning because I prefer to but he vaccuums and makes our bed everyday. We usually grocery shop together on Saturday afternoons and it helps for him to see the costs of things. DS is 17 and is responsible for his bedroom, bathroom and taking out the trash. DH and DS do the yardwork together and I tend to my flower garden. The one thing I do with little input is balance the checkbook and all the banking. As an accountant, we feel that's my area. He and I do discuss the budget every payday however.

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

4givennotperfect — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 20:57:52 GMT

mamasjob:
I'm sorry you and your DH had this argument. My guess is that your contributions are "out of sight, out of mind" as he does not have to do them?? Go to work full time and ask him to split the household tasks evenly in the evening and I'm sure he will realize what you do...when he has to do them, too. Maybe he is asking for some recognition as well? Did he "pick" the argument so you would say "I realize all you do and realize our income is almost all dependent on your efforts." ? Is he feeling discouraged as well?

I work outside the home full time (well 32 hours a week). DH is very good about splitting household duties as he works full time, too and cannot expect me to take care of the house on top of it all. Of course, since I am home two afternoons a week, I do get a few more household things accomplished but that just makes our evenings less stressful and complicated. Because no one is home during the day, no one is home to clean, do laundry, mow the lawn, cull through mail, wash dishes, make dinner, pay bills, run errands, grocery shop, declutter closets, ...you name it. It all is done after 6 p.m. or on the weekends. Or sometimes between 5:30 and 7:00 a.m., LOL. I know that stay at home or work from home moms somehow get all this accomplished and it often is overlooked by the DH because they don't know what the opposite result would be if they had a spouse thatwas away from the home 7-9 hours a day.

A friend of mine who stays at home with 3 kiddos had jury duty for a whole week and her DH was in charge at home (and I think may have had to report to work some). She posted a facebook picture of her house at the end of the week...it was so horrible it was funny. She posted the caption: See what happens when mama isn't home? I'm sure her DH appreciated her efforts after that! The fridge was empty, laundry was piled everywhere and the house was a disaster of toys and dishes.

But when both work outside the home, a balance has to be achieved. When one spouse makes the income while the other spouse stays home and saves the money, there has to be an understanding about each person's contributions as well.

good luck! So many of us are rooting for you!

mama, the fight started when dh said our dd could keep going to private school if I took on extra work and he would too. I said no I shouldn't have to and that it wouldn't save us any more money. He said fine then she can go to public school if you're not willing to work extra for it. I replied that with his income and my part time income we should have no problem paying our bills but then I got nasty and said I guess your brand new truck that you said I wouldn't have to work more for is more important than our daughters education. Then we were off and running.

At one point I said, I don't ever think we will agree because you think the answer is to work more so you can have the best of everything and for me it's about spending less and keeping more.

You know a good friend of mine is a pastor. I asked him once if it bothered him that his wife has always been a stay at home mom even now that the kids are gone. He said something that struck me. He said, no it doesn't bother me because I love my wife and because I love her I wanted her to be able to have this because I knew it meant so much to her.

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

mamasjob — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 19:10:35 GMT

I'm sorry you and your DH had this argument. My guess is that your contributions are "out of sight, out of mind" as he does not have to do them?? Go to work full time and ask him to split the household tasks evenly in the evening and I'm sure he will realize what you do...when he has to do them, too. Maybe he is asking for some recognition as well? Did he "pick" the argument so you would say "I realize all you do and realize our income is almost all dependent on your efforts." ? Is he feeling discouraged as well?

I work outside the home full time (well 32 hours a week). DH is very good about splitting household duties as he works full time, too and cannot expect me to take care of the house on top of it all. Of course, since I am home two afternoons a week, I do get a few more household things accomplished but that just makes our evenings less stressful and complicated. Because no one is home during the day, no one is home to clean, do laundry, mow the lawn, cull through mail, wash dishes, make dinner, pay bills, run errands, grocery shop, declutter closets, ...you name it. It all is done after 6 p.m. or on the weekends. Or sometimes between 5:30 and 7:00 a.m., LOL. I know that stay at home or work from home moms somehow get all this accomplished and it often is overlooked by the DH because they don't know what the opposite result would be if they had a spouse thatwas away from the home 7-9 hours a day.

A friend of mine who stays at home with 3 kiddos had jury duty for a whole week and her DH was in charge at home (and I think may have had to report to work some). She posted a facebook picture of her house at the end of the week...it was so horrible it was funny. She posted the caption: See what happens when mama isn't home? I'm sure her DH appreciated her efforts after that! The fridge was empty, laundry was piled everywhere and the house was a disaster of toys and dishes.

But when both work outside the home, a balance has to be achieved. When one spouse makes the income while the other spouse stays home and saves the money, there has to be an understanding about each person's contributions as well.

good luck! So many of us are rooting for you!

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

4givennotperfect — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 18:07:14 GMT

Well we made the official decision to let dd go to public school this year. It is what she wants and we feel she will do just fine there. If not we will put her back at Grace. It was pretty easy for me to decided because I suspect she won't like it and want to go back to private, and also because she is a good kid, with good morals.

Dh and I had a very large argument last night about money. Once again it came out that he thinks I don't do much when I am home. I was floored and beyond angry. It honestly came down to an issue of respect or lack of it. He then back tracked and said he only said that out of anger and that he knows how hard I work. During the argument he also said I should just deal with it that he manages to get everything done that he "needs" to get done while working full time. When I said that most days I worked from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed he laughed out loud and said "yeah right". I don't think he will ever recognize what I contribute to our household and that working full time is not going to get us ahead because I will have that much less time to do the things I do now that save us money and keep our family running smoothly. I think he honestly looks around at all the families we know that have two full time working parents and thinks that things run smoothly in their households and that they manage to get it all done. He later apologized over and over and said he knows how hard I work but I just couldn't believe him. Today I am still trying to sort this out.

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

sissy — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 03:20:19 GMT

4givennotperfect:
MamaJ:

4givennotperfect:
I don't know Brandy, my heart is broken at the thought of my daughter having to leave her current school. It is an amazing place. Yes the other 650 feels great though!

If you're able to recoup the other $650 elsewhere, your daughter could still attend her private school, couldn't she? If it's really important, you can give up the other things instead?

I think what you're doing is very brave. I can't imagine opening up my books for all the world to see! Hang in there!

Thanks MamaJ, but they are only numbers.

Maybe numbers to you but when it comes to money like this it can drive people nuts I know my sister, and I told you if there is a will there is a way ,and yes your pretty smart the way it is do one thing at a time .

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

Brandy — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 20:06:59 GMT

4givennotperfect:
This IS going to happen and we will get rid of our debt

I agree with the other poster; a chunk of cash from somewhere would help with lowering what you owe quickly.

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

4givennotperfect — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 12:34:56 GMT

LWolfT:
One thing we haven't mentioned ...

Do you have anything you could sell that might bring in a good chunk of $$ to thow at those credit-card debts. Does your DH have tools he doesn't need? Any scrap metal? Any old jewerly? Furniture? Dishes, etc?. Knocking out at least one of those credit cards could give you some breathing room.

Yes I am sure we have a few things. We have a great quality ping pong table and I have a very small amount of Gold I can sell. It's worth about 250.00. When we get back from mn/mi I will have more time to concentrate on that. Because I am an eBayer I have sold most stuff worth selling that we don't want anymore. Except for dh's stuff that is and I will try to get him to go through some of his stuff when we get back.

This IS going to happen and we will get rid of our debt. When I think about the kids and how they need our help with college it's keeps me motivated.

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

LWolfT — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 03:41:25 GMT

One thing we haven't mentioned ...

Do you have anything you could sell that might bring in a good chunk of $$ to thow at those credit-card debts. Does your DH have tools he doesn't need? Any scrap metal? Any old jewerly? Furniture? Dishes, etc?. Knocking out at least one of those credit cards could give you some breathing room.

Re: Feeling quite a bit discouraged about our budget

4givennotperfect — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 02:26:09 GMT

MamaJ:
4givennotperfect:
I don't know Brandy, my heart is broken at the thought of my daughter having to leave her current school. It is an amazing place. Yes the other 650 feels great though!

If you're able to recoup the other $650 elsewhere, your daughter could still attend her private school, couldn't she? If it's really important, you can give up the other things instead?
I think what you're doing is very brave. I can't imagine opening up my books for all the world to see! Hang in there!

Thanks MamaJ, but they are only numbers.