Got some bad news early this morning, so I've already done my crying and now I'm waiting for a doctor to call me. After I regained control, I had to sit my girl down for a talk, well, not really a talk, I sat her down to listen to my lies. Youngest DD is in on the lies so we are on the same page, which is to protect GD.
Here is the lie I told her; "Baby, you know how your mom is on a lot of medicine? Well yesterday afternoon she forgot she had already taken her medicine cause she wasn't feeling good, and she messed up and took it again. And when she got sicker from that, it made her real sleepy and they think she may have taken a third dose so she had to be taken to the hospital." At this point, some tears, lots of hugs, and some questions.
Then some more lying, "Now honey, since your mom didn't take her medicine correctly, she might be in some trouble." All she asked was how long mom was going to jail for this time.
At this point I'm pretty sure the truth is that she got dropped during yesterday's visit to her PO, and knew she was going to come up dirty, so she tried to take what she perceived as the easy way out. That is her pattern, create destruction and pain, then leave someone else to deal with the fallout.
Now, before you call me cold or think I'm just being a B----h, I've been cleaning up her messes for over 15 years. I have gotten her into too many rehabs to count, including long term. I have put myself in horrendous debt, and have worked as many as three jobs at a time to help her. She knew prior to her last incident that it was my last effort. If she went back to drugging, I was finished. She made the choice again and left her little girl asking why momma kept choosing drugs over her.
I could kick myself!!! Despite going through this over and over, I let down my guard. When she got out last August, I let her have supervised visits with GD for awhile, then we moved up to unsupervised for a few hours, gradually increasing her times with GD. I thought she was doing well, so had even let GD spend a few nights with her mom here and there. The last one was on Saturday night. I should have known better. I shouldn't have let my heart override my brain.
By writing this out, it has helped me. Just trying to figure out how I am going to tell my mom who still believed in her. I needed to talk this out to someone, as it is too raw and too painful to tell anyone else right now. By this evening, I will call my bfs and one will be here in a flash. We will probably walk down to the woods so I can cry, yell and scream and like always, she will be there to hug me and listen. Need to focus on my blessings. Sometimes life kicks the crap out of you so bad that all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Sometimes that is enough.
I declare to you that woman must not depend upon the protection of man, but must be taught to protect herself, and there I take my stand. ~Susan B. Anthony