cschin4:

  I personally am not a big fan of the donation to charity in someone's name.  I think that is fine to do for funerals but I don't care for it for Christmas.  In fact, I would find it kind of offensive and haughty.  Some may disagree but that is my opinion.  If I want to give to charity, I will do so personally and don't want someone else doing it in my name.

  Anyway, my advice is to continue to send cards and letters and keep in contact.  I don't see any reason to continue the gifts.  In my family, we just stopped sending gifts to each other and just send cards.  

I'm not sure I stated what I wanted to.  The donation is made in "my" name.  The info in the card I give out would say that in lieu of gifts to all, we have given to the ________ organization.  We stay away from politcally charged donations.   Organizations we have supported in the past include smiletrain, humane society, heiffer international, lions eyeglass program, Joni Ericson Tada's wheelchair program.     We are not donating/supporting in any name other than our own.  Hope that clarifies. 

WhosWho:

  "[Name of person], I noticed you haven't been participating in gift exchange?  Oh don't worry, that's OK, no problem whatsoever, I just didn't know what it was you wanted to do.  Since Hubby's been layed off this year, and we're a little cash strapped, we thought we would be drop-outs.  Thanks so much, I knew you'd understand."

That's very tactful, whoswho! I like that. I mean, after all, it certainly does tell the truth.  If I had extra funds this year alotted for those Christmas giftcards like in years past, it wouldn't irritate me as much. If this does end up being a tighter Christmas, I'd rather put Christmas money toward my children first, then others later....Charitable giving aside of course.

Dh just told me to send each of them $5 with a note apologizing it isn't more.

OK not what I would've thought of, but a fair compromise.

That works! also saves a bunch of money. Also is the slow and steady way....$5 this year makes just a card next year easier.

I suggest that you make the $5 special by going to the bank & getting all shiny quarters (20 of them for each person -- 40 in a roll of quarters for you to divvy up).  Or you could get all spiffy new $5 bills....

I think the $5 is plenty generous considering all and play it by ear next year.  Good compromise :)  My mom sends $2 bills,  the kids really think that's fun and they like saving them.  But we have had our mail stolen before so I can't recommend cash in the mail.

joan of ark 

I say continue to send cards for Birthday, Christmas, Mothers day ect, but start a new family tradition of printing family newsletter at Christmas time. Note in the newsletter all the important events that have occured in the past year like gradutations, sucesses, acomplishments, fun your familly has had, and even obsticles you are attempting to overcome or goals your families has set. Send a nice framed family photo (you can pick up nice frames at yards cheap or at Ross for less than 5.00). Take the photo yourself in a scenic area. Maybe your inlaws will come to see all they are missing by haboring ill feelings towards your family, and you won't end up strapped for cash giving to indiviuals that don't recipricate.

This is tough. Family is family, and you don't get to choose them. Seeing as finances are tight, I would not send them money as a gift if you cannot afford to easily do so. I would still however send cards as that shows that you are thinking about them. Since you don't talk much at all, you could include in your christmas card a typed generic christmas letter about how your family is doing and what you've been up to all year. I'm usually not a big fan of those but in this case, it would let estranged family members know what your up to. Depending on the age of your kids, they could write a letter or draw a picture for their grandparents that you could include in the card with their school pictures or an updated family photo.

Hi-

Having dealt with a very similar situation with my inlaws I would say continue to keep giving if that is what your husband wants to do. They are his family and it is important to make him feel protected and as if he is doing all he can, even if they are not reciprocating. The amount you spend is a small price to pay when you think of your husband and how it makes him feel. Even if they are ignoring you and your family or close to it, he can know that he is acting appropriately and not neglecting his extended family. My inlaws are not nice people either, my FIL is nice when he is not around MIL, but he is just as bad as she is in many ways because he ALLOWS her bad behavior and mean spiritedness and has for years.

Believe me. I understand. I could write a book about all of the mean, and nasty things that my inlaws have pulled on not only me, but our whole family.