I am really depressed today.  It is the first day of school for my dd and we were having such a wonderful time getting ready and then a girlfriend came over last night (unexpectedly, again) and we went to dinner. Then when we got back we spent and hour and a half looking for her keys, we looked in my car, her car, drove back to the rest, tore my place apart and finally we looked in my car again and they were under the seat. At that time I noticed my DD was wearing her WHITE house slippers outside.  I just bought them and the bottoms were black.  I was so livid. I yelled at her and I really lost it.  "money doesn't grow on trees, what where you thinking, blah blah blah."  My friend was sorry, but geesh, it doesn't matter, my DD should know better. They are after all called HOUSE slippers!  I guess I was just frustrated because now it was 9 and I had paper work to fill out and lunch to make. DD had to rush a bath.  It was not the way I planned to spend my evening and then I didn't sleep well.  This friend carries a dark cloud, even at dinner she started crying and I am so sick of it.  She complains about everything, drops by unexpectedly ALL the time, never calls when she is coming over.  Yesterday DD and I were out and she called and said she was on my porch!  I am sick of it.  I like her, but she is starting to drain me.  I have enough on my plate.

Ugh.

First, *hugs*.  I'm sorry you're frustrated.  I don't know if you're the type of person who can confront someone about something, but if you are able to do that, then maybe it's time to talk to your friend.  Let her know that you have things scheduled and you would love to include her from time to time, but that it's difficult for you when she comes by unannounced.

Also, next time she calls b/c she's on your porch, do NOT change your plans.  Tell her that you are out doing mommy-daughter things with your DD and don't know when you'll be home.  Offer for her to come over another time -- a time that you pick that you know you'll be home and rested and able to be a friend to her.

We all get frustrated with our kids from time to time.  DD and I had a very off day Tuesday.  Sometimes you just have to explain to them what's going on and why you were upset so that they can hopefully understand.  I've gotten angry with DD over something little before b/c of my frustration with another situation.  When I realized what I had done, I went to talk to DD.  I told her I was sorry for getting angry and why I was upset.  I explained that it was still wrong what she did and that I should have not gotten so upset.  Then we said sorry to each other and moved on.

Sorry for the night you had. I react in the same way. I think "sure, I can do this, we have to eat anyway" and then it turns into a long night and I don't get anything done, etc. And I get stressed out because of the late night and spending money. And short-tempered. Like Sunshine, if I do get angry at my boys, it's because of me, not them, and I have to tell them I'm sorry and we go from there.

And I have a friend who is the same way. But...she lives 15 hours away so I don't have the drop in, I just have the calls at 6 p.m., 7 p.m. or 8:00 p.m. when I'm trying to get dinner together or eat dinner or get my boys ready for bedtime--it's an hour earlier for her out in western Colorado and I thinks she forgets that. Sometimes I do want to visit--afterall, she is a good friend and is going through a tough time. But I have to set limits. Friendship works 2 ways and I can't be a good friend if I really can't take the time to listen. I'm sorry your friend does the drop in--calling from your porch, yikes!

It's hard to avoid someone but I agree with Sunshine, you have to stick to your plans. A good friend would understand that you and DD had a special, relaxing evening planned the night before school (here, the night before school starts is pretty much off limits for most people.) Maybe next time, even if you are home, just don't pick up your phone and let her leave a message. You will call her back...when you are able to.

Venting is good! :)

sunshinetreva:

I don't know if you're the type of person who can confront someone about something, but if you are able to do that, then maybe it's time to talk to your friend.  Let her know that you have things scheduled and you would love to include her from time to time, but that it's difficult for you when she comes by unannounced.

Bingo. You are not alone in this situation. I think many of us have at least one "High Maintenance Friend" that requires "Way Too Much Attention". When you finally get around to talking to her, tell her to look into professional counseling as well as the other stuff Treva mentioned.

sunshinetreva:

We all get frustrated with our kids from time to time.  DD and I had a very off day Tuesday.  Sometimes you just have to explain to them what's going on and why you were upset so that they can hopefully understand.

Agree - This is a perfect "learning experience" for you and your daughter. You have just learned that you need to have strict boundaries with this person. Now is also the perfect time to explain to your daughter that we all come across people who call themselves friends but when they consistently disrupt our lives with their drama, then you have to "reconsider the friendship". Its one thing to "be there" and another to be "on call" . Your daughter is learning what it means to solve her problems in an adult manner and the contrast between you and your friend is the perfect lesson. Keep us posted and don't be hard on yourself. I've watched your progress and you're doing fine.

Hi DMC_2008.  Hugs from me too.  I feel your pain.  I have a friend that is just like that.  If she finds out my DH is out of town she shows up at my front door with her suitcase to stay with me.  Whenever she needs something she calls DH or me and we've figured out that she's manufacturing problems to get us to come to her aid...for example locking herself out of her house or car intentionally.  I finally had to tell her a couple months ago that we needed to set some boundaries, no more calling me 3 or 4 times a day and just showing up at the door and staying until bedtime etc.  She was upset but I think if I hadn't said something I would have eventually blown up and lost the friendship completely.  What pushed me to finally say something is when she started talking about buying the house across the street from me when it went up for sale.

As for DD, don't be too hard on yourself.  Just give her extra hugs today and tell her just like kids, sometimes adults have hard days and they get angry. 

Hug yourself while you're at it and have a great day.

Thank you all... I really appreciate the kind words and advice.  I am sure GF will call today and we are going to have the talk. I was very frustrated and angry and I told DD this morning that I over reacted and I appologized.

I just got back from dropping her off at her first day and as soon as she saw her friends, she was fine.  She is so excited! 

I can't wait to talk to GF.  She actually "accidently" left her clothes here that she changed out of.  It was funny, but her keys were so far under my seat that it crossed my mind that she did it on purpose, but really, I can't imagine.  I am pretty tired of it all and her major drama, never happy, always complaining.  ALWAYS...

Anyway, will have to set some rules or it will be over.  I didn't realize how much I was getting frustrated with her impostiions until now.

Thanks again!

dmc, I was almost crying while reading the advice that has been given to you!  As you and your daughter want to grow more loving and closer, things sometimes happen that destroys (for a moment) that special loving Mother/Daughter Intimacy!  I may not be a mother, but I saw my own Mother struggle a few times, when she felt she needed to say:  I'm sorry! 

Do I remember now, what caused an eruption that startled our worlds?  Not really.  I just remember her love and understanding and the hugs and kisses.  Now?  Our roles are reversed, as we both grow older, she depends on me more and more.  I insure above all else, that I am here for her, and that I always will be!  For years now, I've explained my love for her is always in my heart, and when we're separated, she must feel in her heart my love for her!  When she thanks me, I explain...you've earned it! 

No one loves us as our Mother's do, and I hope and pray your daughter will always realize this in you!  Just remember, tears of joy are beneficial, especially when one has to say:  I'm sorry and it's accepted!

You're a good Mother!

 

dmc... vent all you want hon, i do understand about your dd and her houseslippers, ds and dd would ALLWAYS go out in their socks only, i would get sooo mad!!, venting is a good thing!{{{HUGS}}}

It sounds as though you have a real problem. She sounds as though she's determined to invade your privacy.

I do not open my door unless I know who it is. I also screen my phone calls.

Do you have voice mail on your cell phone ? Maybe you could let her calls go to voice mail if she calls you. Ultimately, she will get the point.....especially if you are firm about when you are busy.

DMC_2008: I was thinking about you this morning when my friend called me at 7:00 while I was trying to get ready for work. I didn't answer but I did call her back while I was driving to work.  Were you able to talk to your friend?  Its a hard conversation to initiate and if she's anything like my friend, she'll get her feelings hurt and act like she doesn't know where you are coming from but she'll come around.  Hope DD had a great day at school.