Our DS who is going off to college at the end of august just got a job at kmart and is supposed to be getting close to full time. He works one shift on the weekends at a restaurant which is easily negotiable. Kmart only gave him 15 hours next week. I have been told he will have to ride them about more hours. DH and I told him he needed to hang on to his other job when we realized he may not get the hours he needs. But he quit...however is on call when they may need him. I talked to him about it this morning. My words "you need to keep working there until we know if you will get full time hours at kmart". His reply was "well I am off the list of employees". Very matter of factly. Then he left for work at kmart. I am livid!!!! However I know a yelling match will ensue if I try to talk to him about it, so I need help in how to handle this. What should I say to make it clear we expect no less than 40 hours a week from him? If he doesn't do it how should we react? We have agreed to pay about 6,000.00 towards his tuition this year in the form of monthly payments. I think he thinks that is set in stone. 

 Also we told him that we would be monitoring his savings account to make sure most of his paychecks were going in there. Should we just ask for the money in hand?

well I think its time to let him know that college money is conditional.  maybe with the free use of the car, he is thinking that he doesn't have to work that hard.  

I don't know if you should ask for the money so you can track it because I don't know how reliable your son putting money in is.  of course you can cash his paychqs for him and hold back the money in a joint acct that requires two siqnatures so either one of you can take the money out without the other knowing.

4givennotperfect:

If he doesn't do it how should we react? We have agreed to pay about 6,000.00 towards his tuition this year in the form of monthly payments. I think he thinks that is set in stone. 

Your situation illustrates why we don't want to pay our children's college educations. I firmly believe that students who are responsible for financing their education are often more invested in making it happen for themselves. This isn't just about the finances but also in making the effort for the grades and completion of it.

Does he perhaps think he makes enough to cover his needs and savings? Perhaps being new to the working world, does not fully grasp potential instability of jobs and hours?

 

I'm not going to be popular with what I'm about to say. I'd kill him.

Seriously, I really wouldn't kill him, but I wouldn't pay 100% for his stuff either.

He needs to find out that he has to learn responsibility for things.

My case is quite different from yours. My 84 year old Mom is like a 3 year old child and I must make the decisions for her. It was a rude awakening for me in 2007 ! She pouts when she doesn't get her own way .

You must remember that I've been an aunt to nephews and nieces, but I've never had any children. I've also had a half-brother who seemed to get away with murder 24/7.  I've had dogs and cats who were/are extremely spoiled.

Best of luck to you !!!

Virginia Needlewoman:

My 84 year old Mom is like a 3 year old child

That's normal at that age though. We will all be facing it, blech.

I want my son at eighteen to realise he is an eighteen year old man and act like it. At eighteen, they are adults and while this does not mean they are necessarily ready to dive right into life, I think it does mean they should be thinking and acting more responsibly.

At eighteen our children can legally chose to leave home and we can't stop them or even demand they call. They can marry. They can have children. They can work full time. They can join the military and our sons can be drafted into war. They can get credit cards or loans, credit allowing. They are adults with the right to choice.

Have we prepared them by eighteen for all of this? Or are we allowing them to begin considering being prepared for this by eighteen?

 

 Brandy, The college he is going to costs 52,000.00 a year. With scholarships and grants he is left with about 22,000.00 a year so we are paying a small portion of it in my mind. I am so in agreement with you that we should not fund our childrens schooling 100% but sending a child off into the world after college with 100-150 thousand in student loans is not wise in my opinion. Tyler would never be going to RPI if he had not gotten the scholarship. With the scholarship and a degree from RPI(assuming he makes it through) his fina. ncial future will be all but guaranteed. Our other kids know that we will not be paying any more for their college than we have for their brother. Wow I have 2 more kids to go through this with!

 I wouldn't say another word about the job.  I would make sure he knew he was responsible for X,Y and Z and keep some kind of chart/book somewhere where he can see it.  

2ndGenGranola:

 I wouldn't say another word about the job.  I would make sure he knew he was responsible for X,Y and Z and keep some kind of chart/book somewhere where he can see it.  

I agree. This isn't about the second job in itself, it's about being responsible enough to meet his obligations. My thought would be that if he can do it with one job, then maybe he can... if he can't, he'll have to figure it out on his own. That's why we let kids make mistakes when they're at home and dependent on us, so they can learn and be ready when the time comes. 

We went through a similar situation with our youngest son. As parents, we all want our kids to progress on a straight path to success but when they get to be 16, 17 and 18. they start making choices that don't necessarily go with a parents agenda. And the more the parents push their agenda, the harder kids will push back. Even though we parents have the benefit of experience, kids always think they know more than us .... and sometimes they do. Our son turned 18 in his senior year. He was showing attitude before then but 21 days after he turned 18, we called him out on some bad behavior and he stopped dead in the middle of the argument, went upstairs, called his friends and moved out that night. The principal called 2 days later stating my son had come in to put in a change of address and of course he was concerned. Youth Services Division of Social Services got involved and were threatening action against us until they found out that HE WAS WELCOME BACK HOME IF HE ABIDED BY OUR RULES. He wasn't willing to compromise so he lived with friends until he graduated and there was nothing Social Services could do because we didn't kick him out, he left on his own. This was the same kid who, in 8th grade, took the SATs and scored higher than most seniors. All through high school we got interest letters from Johns Hopkins University. As much as we would have liked him to go, his choice was not college. We were disappointed but in our mind it was better than paying for college, having him attend for the sole purpose of partying and bottom out. In our case, our son knew what the expectations were. He knew that DH & I were independent at 18 by choice. His older brother did the college thing but for whatever reason, he chose not to. He's had ups and downs ever since. I've come to some conclusions when it comes to raising kids. #1. If they wants our financial support, they have to agree to our terms otherwise they're on their own. #2 We refuse to lose sleep over their decisions once they emancipated themselves. #3 The harder you try to control every aspect of a situation, the bigger the backlash. I know this sounds cold or mean but nothing makes a kid grow up faster than being faced with a hard dose of reality.

Toni B.:

Youth Services Division of Social Services got involved and were threatening action against us until they found out that HE WAS WELCOME BACK HOME IF HE ABIDED BY OUR RULES.

Was the action threatened because they thought you kicked him out? I can't see them suggesting that you could force an eighteen year old to remain at home even if he is still in high school.

Toni B.:

in our mind it was better than paying for college, having him attend for the sole purpose of partying and bottom out

This is what concerns me most with paying for college. Their future is their choice, not ours. My oldest has no real interest in college and at eighteen no longer lives at home.  My second child is lukewarm about it. I have several relatives who started college and never got as far as getting a degree of any kind. My brother has actually started and stopped college three times now.

As a parent, I don't want to spend for them to maybe want to go and maybe finish if they feel like it. I expect to see some drive there.

 

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