1. Waking up at 4 am after a tryptophan-induced food coma is cruel and unusual punishment. Really, I feel like Mussolini did something similar to people he didn't like.
2. Those Thanksgiving leftover sandwiches aren't going to make (and eat) themselves!
3. I don't trust myself to behave. No, I don't mean that I'll start macing people to get clear access to Incredible Deals!!! I'm more likely to get frustrated by the thronging crowds and start shouting "this is a consumerist perversion of a lovely sentiment! You don't need to buy cheap electronics to show people you love them!" I can't imagine that will go over well, and I'd rather not find myself Tased by store security just one day after Thanksgiving.
4. We live in the future! You can find many of the same deals online, and there's no need to change out of your Thanksgiving-gravy-stained pjs to shop.
5. I don't trust retailers or marketers, with their wee beady eyes. (Considering the fact that my mother is a career retailer and my sister makes her living as a marketer, I need to tread lightly here. Guys, you know I don't mean you, right?) Basically, I know that all of the doorbusters and so-low-you-can't-believe-it deals are just methods for getting customers in the door. Because once customers are in the door, they're already committed to shopping. After all, they got up at an ungodly hour to take advantage of that wonderful sale on whatever Thingamagizmojig is necessary to holiday happiness. The fact that said Thingamagizmojig is sold out within nanomicroseconds of the doors opening because the store only stocked 10 units at that price doesn't mean you're going home empty-handed, dadgummit!
Retailers and marketers know how we think, and I prefer to outwit them by simply barricading myself in the house on Black Friday rather than get suckered.
6. Crowds make me nervous. If you want to see me hyperventilate with claustrophobia, place me in the middle of a crowd wherein everyone is a little more inadvertently "friendly" than average newlyweds manage to be, and you are able to smell both the last meal of and the type of deodorant worn by every individual in the group. (Bonus hyperventilation if deodorant is considered optional by various members of the crowd.) My rule of thumb is that if I can't easily do a Sound of Music/Julie Andrews arms-outflung spin in place, I'll be removing myself forthwith.
7. Baby, it's cold outside. My complete and utter wimpiness when it comes to cold weather is rather ridiculous considering the fact I have lived my entire adult life in the midwest--although I clearly could have made worse climatological living choices. (I remember a Minnesotan of my acquaintance in college wandering around campus in a tee-shirt and down vest in -10 degree weather describing the bone-chilling air as brisk, which made me decide that as nice a place as Minnesota must be, it is likely my own personal Hades for at least 10 months out of the year. Although I hear the summer is lovely, and if it falls on a weekend, you really should visit.) Just as I refuse to wake up at 4 am for Incredible Deals!!! I also refuse to subject myself to line-waiting in freezing November weather for such deals. I'd rather pay extra money and be warm, thank you very much.
8. It's too much work. The other thing I know about Black Friday is that the hype can sometimes be enough to make the sales seem out of this world--when actually, the prices aren't that great. I feel like I'd have to research every product I was interested in just to make sure I was really finding the best deals--and I'd particularly feel that way if I had to drag my rear end out of bed early in the morning just to freeze it off before getting into the store. That all sounds like effort. Feh.
9. Shopping is stressful. And that's before you add the sleeplessness, the crowds, and the cold. I'm not one of those women who goes shopping for fun. Don't get me wrong--I enjoy a good spree as much as the next person. But holiday shopping can be tough. Finding the right gift for everyone is already a little overwhelming. Add in the Black Friday shenanigans, and it just sounds like enough to make you curl up in a ball and start sucking your thumb.
10. There will be a Top Gear marathon on BBC America on Black Friday. Nuff said.
I do know that Black Friday is a beloved family tradition for many people out there, and I am glad you can enjoy it. You're welcome to enjoy my part, too, because my goal is to not set foot outside the house on Friday.
(I always try to go for achievable goals, particularly when I'm stuffed with turkey.)